© 2018 The Lunch Read


By Brian Walsh

With health officials around America recommending that people observe “social distancing” in order to curb the spread of COVID-19, it’s been wondered just what the optimal form of “social distancing” is? Is it merely avoiding physical contact? Dining in instead of going out to a restaurant? How about abandoning your wife and family entirely to let the rat bastards rot?

That’s what this Long Island father did!

Claiming he was merely going on an ordinary outing to acquire a pack of cigarettes from the local 7-Eleven, David Gorman has not been seen or heard by his immediate family for several days.

Mrs. Eleanor Gorman had this to say: “Honestly, it was to be expected. I don’t think this has anything to do with a virus, likely it’s that David is a horrid, miserable man belonging to a long lineage of horrid, miserable men. If anyone deserves to die of an advanced flu virus, it would be my absent husband.”

The three Gorman children seemed to unanimously agree with their mother. “I know he’s still active on Facebook,” remarked a droll Kayla Gorman. “He still really loves reposting coronavirus memes about how it shares the name of a beer. I am so glad he’s out of our lives.”

Follow Brian on Twitter!

By Peter Clark-Deutsch

In a stark indication of the MTA’s decaying machinery, many Metro Card kiosks across NYC have been reported to be temporarily disallowing almost every form of payment, including bitcoin.

“People need to remember that our machine are old,” said MTA Chairman Pat Foy. “Most of them aren’t able to effectively handle accepting and processing your firstborn in exchange for a weekly pass anymore.”

The MTA hopes to get these machines back up and running soon, but for now, frustrated riders are encouraged to just harass the guy in the booth who will unenthusiastically let you in to the subway for no charge.

Follow Peter Clark-Deutsch on Twitter!

Subscribe to Peter's hit podcast, "Two Mic Minimum"!

By Brian Walsh

The adage goes “Winning Isn’t Everything.” But this self-appointed political news writer would say the same goes for “winning.”. Sometimes “Wining Isn’t Winning.” Sometimes “Everything Isn’t Everything!” Sometimes “Sometimes When We Win, We Actually Sometimes Don’t Win. You Can’t Win, Mister Poop-Eating-Dumb-Dumb.”

With news of Senator Bernie Sanders being the winner of the 2020 Iowa Democratic Caucuses, it can be said with 100% non-certainty that the Vermont senator has increased his non-chances of non-winning the Democratic Primary Election. Or non-chances of winning. Or chances of non-winning?

The point is, Sanders has no non-chance. He also has non no chance. He is chanceless, that much is uncertain. Just because Bernie can win doesn’t necessarily mean that he can win. Even when Bernie Sanders has 100% won, there’s just as much an equal non-guarantee that that victory has been secured.

Here at The Bathroom Break, our data specialists have speculated that for every 1 second that Bernie Sanders has won something, that still leaves approximately 100,000,000,000,000,000 seconds in the history of Earth in which Senator Sanders has not won something. In such tumultuous times, can America really afford to play with such nonsensical odds?

On a day like today, it’s crucial that America remember the Democratic Party’s official motto: “Why Win, When You Can Always Lose?”

Follow Brian on Twitter!