By Brian Walsh

"I give this classic film Eight-out-of-Ten-Stars," writes Craig Fuller in his movie blog that is read by no one. "Though somewhat dated, the cultural significance is undeniable. ‘The Maltese Falcon’ gets the official Craig Seal of Approval." Craig Fuller is a 34 year old accountant from Michigan who likes to share his opinions on the internet under the extraordinary assumption that these thoughts are worth anything to anybody.

The aforementioned “Craig Seal of Approval” is a classification Mr. Fuller assigns to various products, television shows, books, and homemade lemonades. What the “Seal” truly signifies is unclear. Sources report Fuller’s tendency to solicit his thoughts haphazardly, in situations where they are both unnecessary and unwanted.

“One time Craig gave ‘the official Craig Seal of Approval’ to a comb I let him borrow,” eyewitness Julian Borges informs. “Having no idea what that could possibly mean, I threw out the comb and took a long shower.”

Craig Fuller is set to release a “Top 10” video on his YouTube channel later this week, ranking the fingers on his hands.

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By Peter Clark-Deutsch

Despite every major NYC comedy clubs being closed due to COVID-19, comedy barkers have still been hard at work on Instagram by messaging unsuspecting strangers and promising that big comic names with verified check marks will be on their upcoming live show lineups. “@adamsandler will be doing a quick set on the show tonight from his basement. You don’t want to miss it” reads a message sent to over 1000 people by user @scottmandelcomedy, who works as a barker for @chucklehut’s weekly live show. “If I’m lucky, The Chuckle Hut will usually put me on at the end of the video stream,” Scott Mandel of @socttmandelcomedy told The Lunch Read. “The amount of time I get will usually depend on how many I people I can get watching, and they have to type in the chat #haha4scott so the booker knows that they came from me.” “Usually by the time I go up there are only four people left on the stream” said Chloe Harris of @pixiedreamzzcomedy, another barker for The Chuckle Hut. “I don’t mind though because even if there were five-hundred people in the stream, I’d still just be doing loud impressions of guys’ orgasms alone in my apartment.” For those interested, The Chuckle Hut’s weekly live show begins tonight at 8 with Tina Fey supposedly headlining despite her not having an Instagram account.

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By Kevin Brown

Before the pandemic, Richard Malone would spend hours wondering why his friends wouldn’t invite him to the outings and events he would see them post about on Instagram. Nowadays, Richard still does this and damn is it interesting seeing the hoops his brain will jump through to ruin his day.

“I’ll wake up in the morning and instinctively check Instagram. It’s usually the same stuff, but then I’ll see my friend from high school didn’t tag me in this challenge where you have Bill Clinton hold your top four favorite albums. That’ll keep me guessing the validity of my friendships for hours.”

While some may look at Richard’s situation and wonder how someone could be so synchronously insecure and narcissistic that they’d make a dumb social media challenge meant to keep people’s minds off an ongoing public health crisis about them, Richard’s “friends” assure that he has been like this literally always.

“Oh yeah, he’s something else. He literally gets FOMO when he’s in a conversation with people and they start talking about a topic he’s not familiar with. It’s insane.” Said Molly Andrieozzeti, his freshman year lab partner whose Instagram story he manages to always be one of the first to check.

Richard hopes to alleviate the stress associated with FOMO by spendng the majority of his time on his secret Instagram account he uses for softcore pornography.

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