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Which 'Stranger Things' Kid Will the Lord Rapture on Judgement Day?



By Brian Walsh

‘Stranger Things 3’ has finally dropped on Netflix! While revisiting 1980s Hawkins, we hope to answer some of the biggest questions you fans might have! Such as: which ‘Stranger Things’ character do you think the almighty Lord will send up to Heaven upon Judgement Day (as depicted in the Book of Revelations)?

Let’s find out!

Lucas Sinclair

And the Lord regarded Lucas Sinclair, a dumb nerd. But, with a kind and noble decree, the Lord blamed Lucas not for his dumb, nerdish sins. The angels of Heaven then guided the sweet teenage boy to his rightful place in the Kingdom of Heaven. The 1980s could hurt him no longer.

Will Byers

The Lord let not his hatred of Young William seal the boy’s fate to eternal damnation. Solemnly, the Lord vowed there would be no fantasy role playing games beyond the Gates of Heaven. And thus, the Lord tripped the dweebish Will Byers with His almighty foot as the boy passethed by.

Dustin Henderson

But no longer could the Lord hold in his mighty wrath. “Damned you are, nerd,” the Lord roared down upon the small child. “Damned are you, you pop cultural philistine. Deep, I damn you downwards into the depths of Hell.” The Lord instructed the dark demons of Hell to force the boy to play the absolute worst of the ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ video game installments for all eternity.

Eleven

“Finally,” sayeth the Lord, “thou are most worthy of entry into my Kingdom.” The Lord reserved a special place in Heaven for the girl to eat Eggo waffles, and learn sick skateboarding tricks with her best friend Max. Fuck yeah, Max Mayfield gets into Heaven, too. He then spoke to the girls: “You, Eleven and Max, are both awesome. I basically hate everyone on planet Earth, except for you two girls.” The word of the Lord.

Mike Wheeler

“Eww,” grimaced the Lord. “Where am I supposed to send you?” The Lord puzzled over the Mike’s fate, despising his face and basic personality, but unable to hate Mike so much that He would cast him into a fiery pit with demons, and (worse) the Annoying Hat Kid he also damned there. “Fine,” mutterethed the Lord, “I’ll just stick you in Limbo with Steve, Nancy, and all the other idiotic adult characters.”

‘Stranger Things 3’ is currently available for streaming on Netflix. The Lord demanded it.


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