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  • The Bathroom Break

Shocking Secrets to the Universe Uncovered By Sentient Knife

By Brian Walsh

An unfathomable, unknowable secret regarding the universe has been recently discovered by a sentient kitchen knife. Desperate to preach its knowledge with the world, the knife is attempting to breach all known barriers of communication to inform us of this wonderful and forbidden intelligence.

Resting motionless on its kitchen counter, the knife of consciousness struggles as it sends constant telepathic signals. It sends anything that could possibly be picked up and processed by surrounding sentient life. So far it appears that none have yet understood its plea:

“I know such secrets! I now perceive the wisdom of the cosmos! Come close! I can whisper such notions that could crack into your mind, simmer and spew forth an eternal nirvannic soup.”

Lorraine Bishop hums softly to herself as she rhythmically slices carrots with a knife, preparing a healthy salad for dinner. A sharp chill jolts through her spine. She thinks nothing further of it.

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