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  • The Bathroom Break

Red Lobster’s Endless Shrimp Gave Me the Courage to Ask My Friend to Stop Sleeping With My Ex-Wife

By Lewis Bunkle

Red Lobster’s Endless Shrimp special is officially back! I look forward to this event every year. For just $15.99, you can sample Red Lobster’s terrific variety of shrimp dishes. It’s ample opportunity to enjoy a nice family dinner, reconnect with old acquaintances, and build up the resolve and fortitude to politely demand that your best friend since childhood cease all contact with your ex-wife.

My personal shrimp dish of choice during Endless Shrimp is definitely the Shrimp Linguine Alfredo. The rich, creamy texture of garlic sauce perfectly collides with the crisp, tender shrimp. And who could pass up eating that combo over some freshly cooked linguine? Bringing my friend Raymond out during Endless Shrimp was the perfect opportunity to both expose him to Shrimp Linguine Alfredo, and also expose his duplicity in sleeping with my ex-wife by showing the several photos I took while stalking him and Elizabeth throughout the week prior.

It is hard to believe that Red Lobster finds in it their interests to hold Endless Shrimp, from a business perspective. It simply seems like too much food to be serving for the low price of $15.99! Over quadruple this very price was my offer to Raymond in my request that he delete my ex-wife’s phone number and email address, as well as move outside of the country and never return. He disagreed to all of these terms almost immediately, but I was still confident he’d change his tune once he had a little taste of some Shrimp Linguine Alfredo from Red Lobster.

He is still sleeping with my ex-wife.

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