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I’m a US Marine, and This Trip to Splish Splash Is Over


by Scott Peterson


Alright, enough is enough. I’ve just about had it with this water-based amusement and tom-foolery. I’m a United States Marine, who served three tours in Iraq, and I say it’s time we pack it up and leave this sorry excuse for a water park.


I don’t know about you, but I am a man. I am a man with a good amount of patience and a high tolerance for frivolity and wasteful fun. And when my family surprised me with a day pass to the Splish Splash located in Calverton, New York, I decided it would be only appropriate and within the interests of all involved to indulge them. But after several hours of waiting in long lines, riding down underwhelming and glorified slides meant for children, and becoming slightly wet, I have decided to put my foot down. Everyone gather their things from the locker room area, we are leaving these premises and going to an Outback Steakhouse.


I apologize if I’ve interrupted a day where we can forget everything, ride big slides, and enjoy musical entertainment, but I served this country in a war and that means we’re going to eat an early dinner at a nearby Outback Steakhouse. And you are going to like it. If you have any problems with that, I suggest you enlist in the Marines yourself and lay down your life in serving this beautiful, beautiful country of ours. Only then do you have any vetoing power in the decision of whether or not we go to Outback Steakhouse. But seeing as I am the only United States Marine in this car, I think we all know how that veto is going to go. Tough.


Also, my swim trunks rode up into my butt crack and I did not like this.


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