Community Grateful as Masked Vigilante Butchers Area Youth
By Brian Walsh
DENTON, IOWA — A secluded, small town in Iowa has reason to rejoice this Halloween. On Tuesday evening, a masked hero wielding a machete visited the town of Denton. By the time the hulking vigilante parted, a total of 6 local teenagers were found brutally butchered at a campsite right off Lake Kington. The townspeople of Denton are overjoyed.
“I've got two words for this bloodthirsty lunatic: Thank You," said Denton Police Sheriff Stacey McKinley. “The teenagers of Denton are awful. Irritating, horny, entitled brats with no manners. He should have hacked those fucking kids into even tinier pieces. Why not remove the smallest possibility of an open casket funeral?”
At a recent town meeting, community leaders insisted there be an official commemoration for the machete-wielding hero, along with a holiday celebrated yearly on October 27th. Denton Mayor Roger Bilkes spoke on this matter.
“What I find frankly disturbing is that we couldn’t arrive at this solution ourselves," said Major Bilkes. “How many wasted years have slipped by us while the shitty teenagers of this town have remained happy, spoon-fed, and un-butchered?”
Reportedly, murmured agreements could be heard throughout the concerned adult crowd.
As the meeting drew to a close, consensus grew over the possibility of extending the youth curfews to perhaps encourage future butcherings.