Breaking News: What the Hell Was that Noise?
By Kevin Brown
What time is it? 2:03 AM. That’s murder hour, this is primetime murder hour and I’m alone. Oh, I’m so murdered. Sounded like it was coming from the bathroom. What makes noise in a bathroom? Oh wait, it’s the pipes. It’s probably the pipes. It’s definitely not the pipes, I know what a pipe sounds like. Also, it’s July.
Why do I even live alone? This is exactly how people get murdered. Everyone knows you’re less likely to get murdered if there’s more people around to get murdered before you. Abbey’s looking for a roommate right now, right? If I survive this, she’s definitely moving in and getting the room nearest to the murder bathroom. Oh wait, I think I left a pair of nail clippers near the counter. Those probably just fell and banged on the tiles. However, I was reading the IMDB trivia section for “Candyman” and it talked about people being able to sneak into people’s apartments through their medicine cabinets. Fuck, I’m so murdered.
I just heard a different noise! Is there another murderer? Are there two murderers in my house right now? What the hell is this, Freddy Versus Jason? Screw it, I’m just gonna go to sleep. Dear lord, if I survive this I swear I’ll finally consider starting that juice cleanse.